2020 Vision

Cliche but the quote “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” sums up the past year. 2019, you kicked my ass. You were a great teacher, I suppose (ugh, no, I KNOW lol) but it’s a realization I make with a lump in my throat—still too fresh I suppose. 2019 was a year that tested my beliefs, my parenting techniques, my relationships, my fears, my self esteem and self love, my faith. I was an emotional tumbleweed, being battered around by the wind. I was an introvert of the highest degree, putting most of my people at arms length as a matter of preservation as I processed my internal landscape. I started to feel my age. Not in the good way, not the “wiser and stronger” way, but the “wrinkles and brittle” way. The “this year feels like it aged me 20 years” type of way. Don’t get me wrong, the past year was filled with much beauty and laughter as well, but this post is not about the easy and pretty parts. It’s about the growth fueled by the hard times, the losses, the fears, the despair, the feelings of questioning my everything up until this point in my life. Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but it was truly that intense for me. It’s why you may not have seen me that much, why we might not be as tight as we used to be, why I pulled away from social media to a large extent even. It was a processing year. To me, processing means taking a hiatus from everyone and everything and nurturing myself to the best of my ability. It also means feeling my emotions to such a degree that they take over. I’m a walking swirl of intensity and pinballing emotions. I might cry or laugh at any moment, sometimes both at the same time. 2019 taught me what certain people have been trying to tell me for years but I refused to listen to. That I’m being led by my emotions. That my feelings dictate my reality. There’s no place for logic within the swimming pool of emotions that my insides are comprised of. Helloooo....Emotions supersede logic. Duh. Or do they? Can I still be a highly sensitive and emotional being but perhaps have a bit more control of myself? Can I take them out of the drivers seat and make my life easier? Can I nourish myself and still function outside of my safety bubble? I’m gonna try, 2020. I have great hopes for you. I hope that instead of a continuation of hard ass lessons, you grant me some serenity. Some additional time to process the lessons of 2019 and to grow from them before tossing more obstacles in my path. I would love this to be a nourishing and adventurous year. This is my 2020 vision. Fingers all crossed. Thank you. For reading this. For being a part of my sphere in some shape or form. xo Steph